Featured image is a work by Chelsea Smith. Purchase prints here.
It’s after work on a cold, rainy, winter night. I just stopped for some fast food, but I can’t even eat. I’m already full. Full of my ex. Full of despair. Full of confusion. Just full of life. I’m broken and despondent. What is the point of life? Why am I here? I’m always alone. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. Not my friends. Not my family. Not even myself. In fact, I hate myself. Why does everything suck so much? What do I do to deserve a life like this? If there is a god, he must’ve abandoned me just like everyone else. I’m just sitting in my car, thinking of all the BS that led me to this moment. As heavy raindrops boom against my window, I pull my car over and stare into the looming abyss in front of me.
And I weep.
Actually, I wail. I scream, I cry, and I loudly shout all my woes and frustrations into the black void that sits in front of me on this destitute road. I’m sobbing like a baby. I’m sobbing for all the times I was mistreated. I’m sobbing for all the times I mistreated myself. I’m sobbing for all the times I was abandoned. I’m sobbing for all the times I abandoned myself. I’m sobbing for all the people who never loved me. I’m sobbing because I don’t know how to love myself.
I don’t know how long its been since I started crying, but it feels like an eternity. I’ve been weeping relentlessly, loosing track of space and time. I’m numb. I can’t even tell where I am anymore.
I’ve lost all sense of myself. I’ve slipped into nothingness as I mourn- what feels like- my own death. The submergence into nothingness is quiet. And then I hear…
I’m an atheist. I’m anti-religion. And frankly, I’m quite abrasive about it. ‘Meditate.’ What? Why? But what else am I doing? I’m just sitting here in the dark, grieving my pitiful life. I might as well try.
I’m not sure what to do or expect. Yet, through the tears, I close my eyes and put my hands together like I’m praying. Like I’m Buddhist or something. Then, I let the nothingness consume me.
My body is starting to feel warm. I’m suddenly becoming so high, it feels as if I’m levitating. I have no idea what’s happening, but for some reason, I’m not afraid. I trust these sensations. A refreshing wave of peace is washing over every inch of my body. I finally stop weeping.
Amidst the swallowing nothingness of the night, I feel a brilliant light shine on my face. I can’t help but smile.
I see God.
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