Last fall, I made a post on Instagram in which I shared one of my journal entries. It reads as follows:
“The past couple of months have been rough on me. My ego is dying, and it surely isn’t going without a fight. I’m like an overripe apple that’s fallen off the tree. I’m slowly rotting away in the cold dirt. Isolated and unwanted by all creatures who roam past. It feels like I’m falling apart. Everything I that thought was a part of me is decimating away, day by day. I have no idea who I am, what I’m doing, or where I’m going in this little game we call life. I’m in a dark place right now, and frankly, I have no clue when or how I’ll get back to the light…”
From that time up until about mid-April this year, I was going through a lot. Stress from college, stress from romantic, platonic, and familial relationships, mental and physical health problems, financial problems, you name it. It felt like everything I ever knew about myself and my life was no longer true. The things I identified with were no longer in alignment with who I was becoming. Things and people that I thought would be with me forever were leaving my life. I felt like I had no connection to source anymore. I was in a very dark place. A ‘dark night of the soul’ you could call it.
It was very hard to let go of all of the things that the universe was calling me to remove from my life. I cried and fought and complained at every step, and still, it all slipped away.
It’s hard as hell to embrace change. We’re so used to living one way, but sometimes the universe has higher plans for us. A lot of times, we asked for those changes. We ask the universe to bring us loving and healthy relationships, happiness, financial abundance, health, a new home, a new outlook on life, everything. But we don’t realize that in order to bring in healthy and loving relationships, we have to be willing to let go of the toxic ones we’re in. In order to bring in financial abundance, we’ve got to work for it. In order to bring in happiness, we’ve got to start living authentically and stop doing all of the things that we know aren’t making us happy.
We’ve all heard the saying: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” We cannot ask for change but then be unwilling to change ourselves. In order for new beginnings to come, there must also be endings. This is the cycle of life.
Again, going through so many big changes at once was very challenging. I felt like I was being punished. But as I went through each transition, I tried my best to accept them. The more I accepted these changes, I was able to see in hindsight how these changes were good for me. Yes, I lost a long-term friendship, but I also lost the negative impacts of a toxic relationship. Yes, I had to quit my job, and I struggled a little financially, but that gave me the time to focus on school and taking better care of myself. Yes, my boyfriend broke up with me, but it helped me to realize where I was too self-sacrificing and accepting less than my worth in romantic relationships, and I now have the space to give myself the love that I need. There’s always a gain that accompanies every loss.
Now it’s June, and I’m in a much better headspace. My life isn’t the perfect picture I have in my head yet, but the seeds of a new life are being planted. I’m learning to love myself more. I’m more grounded in who I am. I’m becoming more vulnerable in my current relationships, and I’m becoming brave enough to seek new ones. I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone so that I can start co-creating the life I want to experience. I used to think no one cared about me or what I had to say, but look at me now. I made a blog and I have many things of value to share. I’m at the end of one cycle, at the beginning of another, and I’m excited to see where this new path takes me.
Here’s the rest of that journal entry:
“I’m scared. But the beauty about an old, tired, rotting fruit is that it still bears seeds. And though dirt may be, well, dirt– it’s the perfect vessel for those seeds to grow. Once the old Adrianna fully slips away, her seeds will be planted so that she may grow into a tree. A tree, firmly rooted in the ground, with a feast of apples not only for herself, but to share with her surroundings. Though the task is excruciatingly difficult, I’m learning to embrace my death.”
I encourage you all to also embrace your deaths.
Your new life is waiting on the other side.
Thank you for reading. Let me know your thoughts below!
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